I Am My Biggest Enemy

I am my biggest enemy, I don’t forgive or forget.

I hurt people to their very core especially the ones who love and care for me the most.

I have my set of insecurities and frustrations but communication skills is what I lack.

I’m not bipolar, my life isn’t shit, but I think I like being miserable.

I’ve been lying to myself all this time about what I want cuz what I want makes me happy and soon gets me even more miserable.

I kick every opportunity in the groin and cry about it later.

I don’t really want to be an artist, but trying to be one gives me the best excuse to be miserable.

I’m too afraid to dream out of fear of achieving them and later discarding them to be miserable.

IF I CONTINUE I stand to be very miserable  by succeeding at throwing away whatever I have.

I realize now, unlike novels my life isn’t fiction.

God our Father, help me, I’m now ready to come back, I realize now all that I have lost and what I stand to lose.

I love you mamma. I’ll be a better son.

Shit is shit after all

I have to write, I’ve read about it in books and seen it being done in the movies. It seems to just ooze out out of a broken or damaged heart much like poetry. I don’t even know if the title is apt(its not, not at this point in time anyways), but who cares anyway. Its my blog and my shit and someday it’ll get noticed. Being a writer is all of being dreamy and romantic, maybe my heart isn’t in it anymore.

I’d like to start out by bitching about facebook and its trending memes and share culture. The many millions of brains rotting including mine, yes its just an addiction like, say cigarettes but I wouldn’t know, not really.

There’s so much I want to say, but I can’t maybe I’m too shy or just plain lazy or both, I dunno. Fear of failure, ridicule and and rejection cloud my thoughts like topping on a pizza. I so hate myself for what I am, I wanna change, so bad that I think I stink of desperation. Its sad and pathetic and so full of self pity. Who do I blame for the fuck up I am? Is that even a choice, even if it were I would still feel like shit. Well, in an effort to improve I’ve stopped watching movies and tv shows, but I still hate my life.

Just a few hours back I figured I’m not even introverted but much worse I’m a shy extrovert. I can’t be like this forever man. For now I think I’ll hit the sack.

I’m not drunk, if thats what you’re wondering. All I had was a pint of beer. Cheers!

Dreaming Big

Why am I so damn lazy? I don’t even wanna write out this blog. Life just gets boring and mundane. I rarely finish what I start and that has proven to be problem and a big one at that. I used to dream big as a kid I still do, but no longer with the enthusiasm of a kid. I feel more confused than ever, this confusion holds me down and prevents me from doing anything per se.

The urge to run overwhelms the need to stay back and fight. I can’t figure out what is genuinely worth fighting for so I end up running away. I’m guessing I’ve lost a lot (I know I have), I don’t think I can handle any more losses.

Off late I’ve had this craze to be a writer, the perception of me as a writer just blows my mind. I’ve started writing, and I realize that unlike in the movies one starts from the bottom all the way to the top without any glimpses of the path to glory. Its nitty gritty hard-work that eventually gets something done.

I’d like to end with a quote from the movie “Pursuit of Happyness” where Will Smith tells his son never to give up on his dreams and fighting for them.

“Don’t ever let someone tell you that you can’t do something. Not even me. You got a dream, you gotta protect it. When people can’t do something themselves, they’re gonna tell you that you can’t do it. You want something, go get it. Period.”